Facing the Holidays During Grief – Help for the Holidays
As the holiday season approaches, many grievers will experience uncertainty about how to approach the holidays, and how to cope with the increased grief reactions they experience during this time. Patrice Martin, Lightways Director of Grief and Integrative Therapies, can attest to an increase in calls to the Grief Support Program in the fall. “I have noticed that after the weather changes, and once holiday planning tends to begin, that we receive more calls from grievers who are at a loss, or are feeling an increase in the intensity of their grief.” Ms. Martin explains that often grievers are worried that they are having a “set back” in their grief. When really what they are experiencing is what she calls a “griefburst”.
A “griefburst” is how Grief Counselors at Lightways describe the experience many grievers have when they share that they feel like they are “doing okay”, and then suddenly, they experience an unexpected wave of grief. Although it is not always the case, griefbursts are often activated by a reminder of their loss – often a place, a time or date, an object, a situation, a song, etc.
This is what makes the holidays so challenging for many people. The holiday season is full of sensory experiences that focus on family togetherness and joyful experiences, often reminding us that our loved one is no longer able to join us. And these reminders are almost everywhere, at stores, in commercials, social media, etc. Grievers share that seeing these images often invoke feelings of sadness, anger, envy and loneliness. And many grievers dread having to “celebrate” the holidays when their loved one is unable to physically be there. For grievers that experienced the loss or other challenging aspects of their loved one’s illness during the holiday season, the holidays bring reminders of painful memories.
Because of this challenge, the Grief Counselors at Lightways have designed a “Help for the Holidays” workshop (one for adults and one for families with children), that helps grievers develop their plans for the holidays and tips on how to cope with the griefbursts that are likely to occur.
They created an acronym called “COMFORT” to help grievers remember these tips:
Connect
Grief is very isolating and can be more so during the holidays season when grievers see others with their loved ones. Grievers also report that being around others when they are grieving can feel more isolating, as they may be trying to mask their grief for fear of upsetting or worrying others in their family. This is why it’s important for grievers to identify who and what they can connect with during the holidays. Some grievers share that connecting with other grievers who understand their grief can be very helpful. As well as those in their support system, they can be honest about how they are feeling, or who are open to talking about their loved one with them. Some grievers also find comfort in connecting with their spiritual community, who sometimes offer opportunities to honor their person during the holidays such as services named “Blue Christmas” or “Longest Night”. The Lights of Love Memorial Tribute is also a way many families gather to honor their person before the holiday season begins.
Offer yourself permission to opt out
Some grievers decide to opt out of holiday festivities, or change their holiday traditions, if they are too painful for them to do. This is more difficult for families that have children who are counting on some of the traditions.
Make a Plan A and a Plan B
“I have found that those who try to pretend like nothing is different have more difficulty during the holidays than those who do some planning ahead of time”, says Ms. Martin.
We encourage grievers to make a Plan A and a Plan B, to allow themselves options on the days of their holiday activities. This may include having an exit plan, like driving separately to the activity, giving yourself a break from the activity, or rescheduling the activity for another day.
Find a way to honor
Many grievers will decide to re-evaluate their rituals – and see how they can include their person in a different way (i.e. setting a place setting for them, lighting a candle in their honor, creating a special decoration or ornament to express your favorite memories. One idea Ms. Martin shares is to gather as a family to make a paper link decoration that includes special memories, or to make a special jar that everyone can add their memories to. Below are some questions to help families spark discussions around their favorite memories.
- What are some memories of your person during the holidays?
- What was one of the best gifts you got from your person?
- What was your favorite tradition or part of the holidays?
- What were some of the places you went to with your person during the holidays?
Other ideas: Incorporation of your person’s favorite dish in the meal, ordering a Memorial Bear from Lightways or donating money or time to an important cause in your loved one’s name.
Okay to Feel Joy
For some grievers, this feels wrong. Counselors often hear from grievers that whenever they experience joy during their grief process, they quickly feel guilty for feeling joy. Counselors share that grief includes a wide array of emotions, both negative and positive. and make sure to remind grievers that feeling joy after their loss doesn’t mean that they don’t love their person, or that they are forgetting them. Grievers all need to come up for air from the heavy and painful feelings of grief and allow themselves some moments of joy when they happen.
Rest
Counselors remind grievers that grief is exhausting – physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially. Self-care is such an important part of coping with grief. Ms. Martin explains that “self-care is anything that tends to a person’s body, mind or soul.” This may be making time for extra rest or time to pause and reflect during the busy holiday season. Many grievers find taking walks outside to be helpful and a way to help them recharge and reset.
Triggers Happen
As we said before, griefbursts are often “triggered” by something. So, grief counselors encourage grievers to plan for triggers first by identifying which holidays or parts of the holiday season they traditionally celebrate and thinking about what aspects of each holiday could be the most triggering to their grief. Examples of common triggers include specific traditions that your person was involved in (i.e. carving the turkey, saying a prayer, cooking a special dish, giving a gift, decorating a tree, counting down at New Years, etc) or special places that you visit during the season. Since triggers are often sensory experiences, grievers are encouraged to think of different sounds, smells, sights, tastes, and touches that may evoke a specific memory.
Once a griever identifies the possible triggers, Counselors encourage grievers to think about how they can make sure to have the support, respite, rest or ways to express themselves to cope. The goal is not to prevent triggers altogether, but to have a plan for when they happen. Counselors caution grievers, however, that there will still be unexpected grief bursts that take them by surprise, as we often do not realize the extent of our losses until they are gone.
Greif Support & Workshops
If you are interested in speaking with a Grief Counselor further about how you can cope during the holidays, you can reach out to the Grief Support Program at Lightways at 815-460-3282, [email protected] or contact us online.
Holidays Workshop for Adults
To register for the Virtual Help for the Holidays Workshop for Adults on November 20th – click here.
Help for the Holidays Workshop for families with children
To register for the Virtual Help for the Holidays Workshop for families with children on November 10th – click here.