Supporting Children Through Grief: Before and After a Loss

It’s important for children to feel as though any reaction to this news is acceptable. That includes tears, anger, relief, or confusion. The Child Life Specialists team suggests that children be reassured that each of us can have a different reaction and that there is no “right” way to respond.

It’s common for children to do what our Child Life Specialist, Rachael Miller, describes as “Puddle Jumping”. Miller explains, “While adults may feel as though they are caught in an ocean of grief; children often experience grief differently by moving in and out of their emotions.” Miller explains, rather than remaining submerged in an ocean, puddle jumping “allows children to step into and out of difficult emotions as they process what is happening”. Miller reassures parents and caregivers that when a child steps away from a difficult conversation, it does not mean they are uninterested or unaffected by what they have heard. Rather, they are communicating, “This is all I can take in right now. I need time to process this in my own way.”

If the child has just learned of a serious illness, the team encourages the adult to help the child understand things that they might observe when they see their person next (i.e. fatigue, oxygen, frailty, confusion, etc.). Miller shares, “unfamiliar medical equipment and changes in a loved one’s appearance or behavior can be scary. Explaining these changes and purposes for medical equipment can help ease fears.” Miller also emphasizes the importance of parents and caregivers preparing the child prior to a memorial service, so they know what to expect, feel supported, and are better equipped to navigate the experience.

The team recommends that the parent or caregiver also share with the child’s school that they have just learned difficult news and help the school determine a support person that the child can reach out to, and that can check in on the child. This can also help the teachers develop accommodations to assist the child that may have trouble concentrating at school or completing homework. Counselors have seen situations in which the school did not learn about a significant event until later, when the child’s grades reduced suddenly.

One of the biggest predictors of how a child grieves is how their parents or caregivers are coping with their grief. If a child sees that others around them are not showing or sharing their feelings about the loss, then they often follow suit. Counselors encourage adults to model healthy expressions of grief in front of children (i.e. “Daddy is feeling sad and missing mommy”). This gives children permission to share their reactions.

“Secondary Losses” are losses that someone experiences because of the loss of their person. Children can experience numerous secondary losses, especially when a significant person dies (i.e. changes in household, moving to a new home or school, changes in child care, grieving parent, etc). It is often these losses that cause a child stress and disruption.

After someone dies, we mistakenly avoid talking about that person to try to prevent “upsetting” those who are grieving. In fact, most grievers find comfort in being able to talk about their person. This is also true for children. Children enjoy drawing pictures, sharing stories and memories, and learning new things about their person.