After learning of their loved one’s death, grievers often describe their experience in similar ways:

• “My world stopped, while the rest of the world moved on”.
• “I feel as though a carpet has been pulled out from under me”.
• “I feel like I’ve lost a limb, like I’m no longer a whole person.”

This sense of disbelief and isolation is often compounded by strong feelings, insistent thoughts, difficulty concentrating, and changes in sleeping and eating patterns. Grief affects us emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually, often leaving grievers feeling disoriented, overwhelmed, and exhausted.

What Griever’s Need

Thus, it is not surprising that in the beginning of grief, it is often hard for a griever to identify what they need. And, when seeing someone they care about so affected, supporters often share that they feel helpless, and at a loss of what to say. Unfortunately, these two conditions can result in nothing being said about the person’s loss, and an avoidance of the griever altogether, thus increasing the griever’s sense of isolation even more.

Due to the challenges of supporting grievers, the Grief Counselors at Lightways wanted to share what they have learned from grievers about what is helpful and not helpful.

Here’s what they had to share:

Tending to our Basic needs

Many grievers describe how overwhelming grief is at first, and that during this time, they are often only able to focus on their basic needs, such as rest and comfort. Grief Counselors share the importance of self-care, which includes anything that tends to “your body, mind, and soul,” and helps you to sustain yourself during grief. Some grievers struggle with eating and sleeping, so they are encouraged to hydrate, eat small meals, and take naps to stay nourished and rested. For some grievers who have been caregivers, the Counselors also recommend that they make sure to see their health care provider if they haven’t in a while. Additionally, because grievers are often operating on limited reserves, they need to adjust their expectations of themselves. Receiving help from their supporters with day-to-day tasks and having a reduced workload can be very helpful to some grievers.

Tending to our Pain

Grief reactions can be very intense for some grievers. So much so that some grievers use the word “pain” to describe their grief. Thus, Grief Counselors work with grievers on identifying what types of things might “soothe” the pain of grief. Often, what grievers discover is that sensory experiences help soothe the pain of grief. Counselors encourage grievers to identify what sights, sounds, smells, textures, and tastes provide them comfort when they are hurting. Examples of things that can help are their loved one’s clothes or perfume, pets, nature, tea, pictures or videos or their loved one, soft blankets, and more.

The right balance of time alone, and time with others

Because of the need to attend to basic needs, some grievers find they need time alone to do so. Other grievers feel less distressed when they are around others and seek connection. This is very individual and can change throughout the grief process.

At the beginning of grief, as a griever is trying to adjust to their “new normal”, they often have a lot of tasks that they need to take care of, such as planning final arrangements or dealing with financial matters. One griever explained that the help they received from others felt disproportionate. They explained that at first, they felt bombarded by calls from others to the point that it felt overwhelming. Later on, they noticed they weren’t hearing from anyone. “It was like crickets”.

Grief Counselors suggest that grievers and their supporters try to communicate and figure out what the right balance may be for them. Christopher Ciesla, Grief Counselor at Lightways states that in counseling, he works with grievers on how to advocate for themselves to have their needs met. He shares that at times he and the griever will “develop bullet points on how to teach their support members to support them better”. This helps, he explains, the griever to “talk to their partner or support system to guide them on what is most helpful, since most people are uncertain what to do”.

A note about Reaching Out to a Griever

“How are you doing?”:

Patrice Martin, Director of Grief and Integrative Therapies, was surprised to learn from grievers that this question can be difficult to answer. What is often a person’s attempt to reach out to a griever with support, can feel to a griever like a loaded question. “Grievers will ask us, ‘How do I answer that? Tell them the truth? Pretend I am doing better than I am?” says Martin. Grievers may not feel comfortable opening up at the time (or place) when this question is asked, or they may not feel that the person is genuinely interested in the true answer.

Martin encourages those who want to check in on a griever to consider the time and place of the check-in – where you are, what the person is doing, as well as your relationship with that person. “Instead of asking, “’ How are you doing?”, you may want to ask how their day is going or simply state to them that you wanted to check in, that you have been thinking of them and would love to connect. When asking, Martin cautions, “make sure you are sincerely open to hearing their honest answer.”

Reaching out for help from others can also be challenging for grievers. Partially because they may not know what they need, but also because reaching out comes with some risks for the griever, who may be feeling vulnerable, or worried about being a burden to others, or “ruining the mood” of the other person.

Permission to grieve and permission to not be OK.

The Grief Counselors report that grievers are often grateful to learn that what they are experiencing is common and natural. They share that they sometimes get the message from others (or themselves) that they shouldn’t be feeling the way they are feeling. Grievers share that they hear comments from others like “Are you still having a hard time?” or “Don’t be sad. They would want you to be happy.”

Grief Counselors at Lightways are big advocates for there not being “shoulds” around grief. There are so many factors that can affect how someone responds to a loss, which makes each person’s grief reaction to a death unique. There are all kinds of grief reactions, both positive and negative, and they are all OK.

Support and understanding, not silver lining

One of our grief clients, who experienced both the loss of a partner and a child shared her experience:

“I didn’t expect any words would make me feel better after these losses, but I was caught off guard that there were things people would say that made me feel worse. Some of my closest family members said to me, “Are you over it yet?” and “Don’t cry anymore, he is in heaven”. I don’t hold it against them – I pray they never know what these losses feel like, and I understand that it’s hard to watch our loved ones suffer. In hindsight, just their presence would have been enough, but I didn’t know that’s what I needed or wanted. And our grief is not something to be fixed.”

One of the Grief Counselors, Katie Thiesen, likes to share one of her favorite quotes by Haruki Murakami, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” “Suffering”, she says, “is what happens when we have to hold our pain alone”. She shares that supporters often want to “rush to fix pain, yet the only way to ‘fix’ grief would be to have their person come back to life and be healthy. So instead, we need supporters who are willing to sit in the mess, in the depths of the pain of grief with the grievers. Not to ‘fix’ it, but to be with us in it. If people do not sit in it with one another, that often adds to the pain as it creates further isolation”.

Acknowledgement of pain of grief

Instead of attempting to get someone who is grieving to “think positively”, grievers say they appreciate it when someone instead acknowledges how hard this is for them. When they are able to just sit with them in their pain and not try to fix it. This is hard for many of us to do, and can make us feel helpless, or bring up our own discomfort or pain. This is why grievers often find comfort in talking with other grievers, who can empathize with them as they have felt similar ways. One griever shared how much she liked coming to the support group, “I love coming here because I don’t have to pretend that I’m OK. I can just share how I’m truly feeling”.

Opportunities to speak about their loved one

Our client also shared with us how important it is to have the opportunity to talk about her son.

“Towards the end of year two, people checked in on me less often. My friends and family talked less about (my son). And one of my greatest fears is that people will forget him.”

When asked what has been helpful, grievers often share how touched they were when someone remembered a special day or shared a memory about their person. Grief Counselors recommend that supporters consider what days or situations might be hard for the griever they are supporting and make sure to check in on them that day.

Counselors also recommend that grievers find ways to honor their person, either privately or in a group setting. At Lightways, the Grief Support Program offers a variety of different events and activities that give grievers a chance to pay tribute to their loved ones.

As the holiday season approaches, many grievers will experience uncertainty about how to approach the holidays, and how to cope with the increased grief reactions they experience during this time. Patrice Martin, Lightways Director of Grief and Integrative Therapies, can attest to an increase in calls to the Grief Support Program in the fall. “I have noticed that after the weather changes, and once holiday planning tends to begin, that we receive more calls from grievers who are at a loss, or are feeling an increase in the intensity of their grief.” Ms. Martin explains that often grievers are worried that they are having a “set back” in their grief. When really what they are experiencing is what she calls a “griefburst”.

A “griefburst” is how Grief Counselors at Lightways describe the experience many grievers have when they share that they feel like they are “doing okay”, and then suddenly, they experience an unexpected wave of grief. Although it is not always the case, griefbursts are often activated by a reminder of their loss – often a place, a time or date, an object, a situation, a song, etc.

This is what makes the holidays so challenging for many people. The holiday season is full of sensory experiences that focus on family togetherness and joyful experiences, often reminding us that our loved one is no longer able to join us. And these reminders are almost everywhere, at stores, in commercials, social media, etc. Grievers share that seeing these images often invoke feelings of sadness, anger, envy and loneliness. And many grievers dread having to “celebrate” the holidays when their loved one is unable to physically be there. For grievers that experienced the loss or other challenging aspects of their loved one’s illness during the holiday season, the holidays bring reminders of painful memories.

Because of this challenge, the Grief Counselors at Lightways have designed a “Help for the Holidays” workshop (one for adults and one for families with children), that helps grievers develop their plans for the holidays and tips on how to cope with the griefbursts that are likely to occur.

They created an acronym called “COMFORT” to help grievers remember these tips: